The Order of the Phoenix's Official Advice Column
by DragonCrazy
Summary: Dumbledore decides to start an advice column. Advisors give less than satisfactory advice.
1. Prologue

**A/N: I had writer's block, and just had to write this...**

* * *

Dumbledore beamed at everyone in the room at Grimmauld Place 12.

"Welcome, everyone!"

Everyone stared at him.

"I have noticed that there has been rivalries and such going within the midst of the Order. To expel this unfriendliness, I have decided to make an advice column."

Fred and George began snickering quietly.

"I have decided that the column will work like this. There will be an 'advisor', and I will choose a new advisor at the end of every week randomly. All of you may write a question on a piece of parchment with your pen name on it and put it in this box." Dumbledore patted a brown cardboard box with a slit on top."The advisor only has to answer three questions a day if he or she gets too many."

"Any questions?"

Incredulous silence.

"Very well!" Dumbledore stuffed his hand into another cardboard box and pulled out a piece of parchment. "The advisor for this week is... Alastor Moody!"

Moody stared at him.

"Good day to you all!"

Dumbledore stepped into the fireplace and was engulfed by the green flames.


	2. Week One: Moody

Dear Moody,

I have no idea how to do my Transfiguration essay! Who should I ask for help?

From,

Transfiguration Clueless

Transfiguration Clueless,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Make sure you aren't asking a Death Eater, or worse, VOLDEMORT, for help!

(VOLDEMORT WAS TERRIBLE AT TRANSFIGURATION ANYWAY! I HAD TO TUTOR HIM! UGH!)

* * *

Dear Moody,

I like a girl! How do I confess my true feelings to her?

From,

Lovestruck

Lovestruck,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Make sure the girl you like isn't a Death Eater, or worse, VOLDEMORT! (I think he's male anyway!)

(IF YOU LIKE VOLDEMORT, MOANING MYRTLE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYWAY, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME!)

* * *

Dear Moody,

I like cookies.

From,

Cookie

Cookie,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Make sure that a Death Eater, or worse, VOLDEMORT, didn't try to poison your cookies!

(YOU CANNIBAL!)

* * *

Dear Moody,

I'm in love with someone, but he won't listen to me! What do I do?!

From,

Frustrated

Frustrated,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! If he won't listen to you, he's PROBABLY A DEATH EATER OR VOLDEMORT IN DISGUISE!

(REPORT HIM TO DUMBLEDORE RIGHT AWAY!)

* * *

Dear Moody,

I'M IN LOVE WITH REMUS LUPIN YOU IDIOT! HE'S NOT A DEATH EATER OR VOLDEMORT!

From,

FRUSTRATED AT MOODY

FRUSTRATED AT MOODY,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! You NEVER KNOW! MAKE SURE THAT LUPIN ISN'T A DEATH EATER OR VOLDEMORT!

(I REPEAT: YOU NEVER KNOW!)

* * *

Dear Moody,

ARGH!

From,

Frustrated at Moody!

Frustrated at Moody!,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! WHAT IF YOU SPILL A SECRET TO A DEATH EATER OR VOLDEMORT, YOU FOOL!

(I REPEAT: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!)

* * *

Dear Dumbledore,

Get rid of Moody!

From,

THE WHOLE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!

THE WHOLE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! DUMBLEDORE! BE CAREFUL! THEY MAY BE DEATH EATERS/VOLDEMORT IN DISGUISE!

(If you really are the Order, shame on you!)

* * *

The whole Order, the Weasleys, Hermione, and Harry gathered at the same room as last week, a lot of them muttering unhappily about a,"paranoid fool."

Dumbledore beamed at them. "I hope you have all bonded closer since last week!"

Tonks snorted. Moody glared at her suspiciously.

Dumbledore rummaged in the box. "Let's see, next week's advisor will be... Minerva McGonagall!"


	3. Week Two: McGonagall

**A/N: Realized *GASP* I didn't put in a disclaimer. Nooo!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the wizarding world.**

**Also: There is one question/answer every line break. Technically.**

* * *

I don't like Transfiguration.

From,

TransfigurationHater

TransfigurationHater,

*Gasp* How dare you! A thousand points from Slytherin!

* * *

Dear Professor McGonagall,

Why Slytherin?

From,

TransfigurationHater

TransfigurationHater,

Reasons why I punished Slytherin:

1. Gryffindor is my House! I want to see them win and rub it in Snape's face!

2. Ravenclaws are total nerds. They don't "don't like" any subject.

3. Hufflepuffs are too cowardly/kind to say that to me, the Transfiguration master.

4. Flitwick/Sprout would kill me if I took a thousand points from their House.

5. Snape would try, too, but he failed Transfiguration.

6. Snape is a coward too, anyway.

* * *

Dear Minerva,

I love you!

From,

CatLover

CatLover,

I am not interested in dating anyone. Another thousand points from Slytherin.

* * *

Dear McGonagall,

Why is your Animagus form a cat?

From,

Curious

Curious,

Because cats symbolize amazingness, awesomeness, calmness, and pretty much-everything-good-ness. Duh.

* * *

Dear Professor,

Dogs rule. Duh.

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

You are so lucky you aren't a student, young man. Dogs are gross and clumsy. Cats are stunning and agile.

* * *

Dear Professor,

No way.

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

Yes way.

* * *

Dear Professor,

No way!

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

YES WAY!

* * *

Dear Harry,

Help me out here, godson!

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

Ok.

From,

BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord

* * *

Dear BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord,

If you help Black, I will personally make sure you fail your Transfiguration O.W.L.

From,

WiseCat

WiseCat and SeriousSirius,

I'M SO SORRY SIRIUS! BUT MY O.W.L.s ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!

To WiseCat,

Aren't _you_ supposed to be answering the questions?

* * *

Dear BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord,

NOOOOO!

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

I AM SO SORRY!

From,

BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord

* * *

Dear(NOT) BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord,

Just as annoying as his father.

From,

SerpentSnape

SerpentSnape,

Shut up.

From,

SeriousSirius

* * *

Dear ALL OF YOU!,

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ADVISOR, NOT YOU IMBECILES!

From,

WiseCat

WiseCat,

Ok- I mean, no comment. Your week's over by the way.

From,

BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord

* * *

Dear BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord,

...

From,

WiseCat

WiseCat,

What a waste of parchment.

From,

BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord

* * *

Everyone gathered around in 'The Room of Doom', as they had poetically dubbed it.

"The next advisor is.."

"Remus Lupin."


	4. Week Three: Lupin

Dear Lupin,

I can't figure out how to write this essay I got on werewolves! Help!

From,

TransfigurationHater

TransfigurationHater,

That's not a question. NEXT!

* * *

Dear Moony,

I can't find my boxers; I think Kreacher took them! Help!

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

Why do I get all the disturbing questions? That's not a question, NEXT!

* * *

Dear Moony,

Fine. I can't find my boxers; I think Kreacher took them? Help?

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

First Question: Probably.

Second Question: I will not help you.

* * *

Dear Remus,

I hate you.

From,

Frustrated

Frustrated,

Not a question. NEXT!

* * *

Dear Remus,

WHY?

From,

Frustrated

Frustrated,

Why don't you fall in love with... Sirius or something. Jeez, I'm like ten years older than you!

* * *

Dear Remus,

Sirius is ugly.

From,

Frustrated

Frustrated,

I agree. And to think that 90% of the female population were mooning after him.

* * *

Dear NYMPHADORA,

I am not ugly, YOU are.

From,

SeriousSirius

SeriousSirius,

DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA! I am not ugly, you are.

From,

Frustrated

* * *

Dear Order of the Phoenix,

HELP NYMPHADORA TONKS HAS KIDNAPPED ME! AHHH! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM!

From,

Moony

Moony,

FAIL. I am discarding this right away.

From,

Frustrated

* * *

Dear Order of the Phoenix,

Please STOP blogging all the time and concentrate on your work.

From,

AlbusDumbledore

AlbusDumbledore,

Who needs homework when you can BLOG! Yay!

From,

TransfigurationHater, BoyWhoAnnoyedDarkLord, Unwilling Helen, CatLover, SeriousSirius (EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE HOMEWORK!), Frustrated (SAME AS SIRIUS)

* * *

Dear Order of the Phoenix,

I will give ten galleons to anyone who captures Remus Lupin and gives him to me!

From,

Frustrated

Frustrated,

You'll never find me!

From,

Moony

Frustrated,

I got him! You owe me!

From,

TransfigurationHater

* * *

Everyone warily sat or stood in the Room of Doom.

Dumbledore smiled evilly in everyone's opinion.

"The next advisor will be..."

"Severus Snape."

Everyone who were still at Hogwarts and Snape gaped at him in disbelief.

"NOOOO!"


End file.
